Yellow Crocus: A Novel by Laila Ibrahim
“Elizabeth, you can ask anything of me. Do not be concerned about being offensive,” Matthew replied as he hovered on the edge of his seat. His own emotions mirrored Lisbeth’s as he shook his leg and tapped on his knee. His eyes followed Lisbeth as she paced in front of him.
Lisbeth wiped her sweating palms on her gown, stopped pacing, swallowed hard, and finally stammered out her first question, stumbling for the correct language, “Have you ever… as a man and woman…with a slave…?”
Full of shame, she looked at the carpet, unable to be more articulate. Biting her lip, hoping he understood, she waited for a reply.
“Are you asking me about relations?” asked Matthew, sounding extremely incredulous.
“Yes!” Lisbeth exhaled. She was relieved that she need not say more. Her cheeks burning with humiliation, she confirmed, “Relations.”
The room pounded with silence. Lisbeth did not look up because she did not want to see the look on Matthew’s face.
Shock in his voice, Matthew replied, “That is your question of me?”
Lisbeth nodded.
“I am surprised,” Matthew agreed. He shook his head. “No, I cannot say I have…had…relations.”
Lisbeth was relieved. Her instinct had been correct.
“My next question may be more shocking,” she told him. “Give me a moment.”
On the drive here she had considered how she would ask him this question. She had rehearsed what she would say. But now, no words seemed appropriate. She took a drink and a few deep breaths. The tension built, but the perfect words did not come to her. Eventually she stammered out, “I…I am not going to marry Edward Cunningham.” Those words were like a dam breaking inside Lisbeth. She looked directly at Matthew and asked in a rush, “May I come with you to Ohio? As your wife? I need a husband. You are not engaged. You are about the only man around here who is not. Besides, we both enjoy Shakespeare.”
Matthew collapsed against the back of his chair. He stared at her, confused. “You cannot possibly be serious?”
The adrenaline rushed out of Lisbeth’s body. Suddenly she was unable to hold herself up any longer and sank down into the couch. Trembling on the sofa, she wanted to curl up into a ball and disappear.
Mustering up her last bit of energy, she politely responded, “I hope that you can forgive me for being so forward. I see now that I am being foolish. It was my best idea. But I understand you would not want me for a wife.” She stood to leave.
“Goodbye, Matthew,” Lisbeth stated. “Thank you for your time. I apologize for placing you in this uncomfortable situation. I would appreciate it if you would keep this conversation in strictest confidence.”
“Elizabeth, you misunderstand me,” Matthew replied.
He moved next to her on the couch. He reached up and lightly rested his fingers against her arm. She sank back down to the cushion. She was acutely aware that her shaking knee was only inches away from Matthew’s.
He looked intently at Lisbeth and went on. “I did not mean to say that I do not want you as my wife. What I cannot understand is why you want me for a husband?”
Desperate to make her case, Lisbeth blurted out, “To be honest, I want a good man rather more than a good husband. I believe you are such a man. I saw Edward…lying with a slave. I am ashamed to say I did not realize such things went on before, but I found that afterward I could not pretend any longer that slavery is beneficial to the negroes. My parents have always insisted that we are kind to our slaves, that they needed us to give them a good life on earth, and they need us to help them be Christian so they can have salvation for eternity.”Anger rose in Lisbeth’s voice as she spoke more adamantly. “But it is not Christian to lay with a girl. I cannot pray to God each night married to him. I believe I can if I am married to you.”
Lisbeth searched Matthew’s face, looking for signs of understanding. Matthew slowly nodded his head.
“I can only hope to prove your faith in me justified,” Matthew said. He laughed, and then with a bemused grin on his face he asked, “You are entirely serious? You want to marry me? You understand I am going to Ohio to farm? I will have no bondsmen, only paid field hands. I will not have a house even as large as this one, only four bedrooms and no parlor.”
“I understand. I am willing to go if you will have me,” Lisbeth replied.
“Are you free to marry? Will your parents approve?”
“Yes, I am free,” Lisbeth replied though she had not yet broken her engagement to Edward, “and no, my parents will not approve. But they cannot force me into a marriage of their choosing. I am willing to marry you without their blessing. I am of age. They can do nothing to prevent it if I have my birth certificate.”
Matthew went down upon one knee and took Lisbeth’s hand in his. He was trembling. Staring into her eyes, he spoke clearly, “Lisbeth Wainwright, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”
Lisbeth gazed at Matthew’s gentle and hopeful face, his beautiful hazel eyes. A chill traveled down her spine. This was more than she had hoped for. Matthew was such a kind man. She had made the right choice.
Tears of hope and relief glistened in her eyes. “Yes, Matthew, I will.”
Impulsively she leaned in to hug Matthew. But then, suddenly feeling shy, she pulled herself back. Her improper question was bold enough. She did not wish to risk further diminishing Matthew’s respect.
Clearing his throat, Matthew returned to the couch. “When shall we do this? Would you care for a wedding?”
“I would like to get married as soon as possible, if you are willing, by a justice of the peace.”
“Whatever you would prefer is fine with me.”
Having given this thought in the midst of the night, Lisbeth suggested a plan. “I prefer that we go to Charles City on Monday. Afterward, when it is too late, I will inform my parents.”
Of course, she would inform Edward as well, but she would not speak of that with Matthew. They agreed to carry on with their lives as they had been until Monday morning. Matthew walked Lisbeth to her buggy and carefully assisted her into it. She felt his eyes upon her as she drove away. Lisbeth reveled in her good fortune. She had found a way to salvage her life.
Detached from all that was going on around her, Lisbeth suffered in silence through dinner that evening. As always the conversation was filled with speculation about the ongoing disagreements with the northern states and the arrogance of abolitionists. There were long-winded arguments in favor and against secession from the Union. Lisbeth paid little attention to the talk. Soon she would be living in a free state and would not have to be concerned with the politics or morality of slavery. She was leaving all this behind.
Misinterpreting Lisbeth’s quiet mood, Mother noted, “I am so glad to see you have fully recovered, Elizabeth. You are remarkably at ease this evening. It bodes well for your ability to take your place at White Pines.”
After her nightly prayers, Lisbeth did not climb into bed. Instead she sat in a chair reading by a dim oil lamp. She refused Emily’s offer to fetch warm milk. She waited, struggling to stay awake until well into the night when she could be certain the entire household was deeply asleep. At two o’clock in the morning she left the sanctuary of her room.
Carrying the oil lamp, she carefully crept along the hallway, down the front staircase, and into Father’s study. She crossed to his desk and started pulling open drawers. She was seeking her birth certificate. She had no idea where it might be. The top drawers held ink, pens, a knife, and other odds and ends. The bottom drawers held ledgers and papers. There were records from crop sales going years back, but no birth certificates.
She turned around to search the bookcase behind the desk. The top shelves were covered with leather-bound books. A wrought iron chest sat on the bottom of the case. She opened it and found stacks of papers. She brought the documents to Father’s desk and stood sorting through them. She carefully kept them in order. Part-way through the stack she found a meticulous family tree g
She examined this record, looking for her own name. There she was, Elizabeth Ann Wainwright, April 14, 1837 live birth. Two neat lines connected her name to her parents. Next to her name was a record of Jack’s birth, followed by three more entries: Baby Boy Wainwright August 20, 1840 stillborn, Baby Boy Wainwright September 30, 1841 still born, and Baby Girl Wainwright, April 27, 1842, still born. Lisbeth was shocked. She had no memory of her mother being pregnant and had never heard that her parents had lost so many children.
To the left of her name was another entry: Emily. A line interrupted by a thick question mark ran from Emily’s name to Father’s. “Dear God!” Lisbeth gasped. Another line ran from Emily’s name to Uncle Alistair’s name. It too was interrupted by a dark question mark. Emily was her half-sister or her cousin. There was the proof that in some way she was related to Emily. This news further confirmed her choice to leave.
She renewed her search through the papers with vigor until she found her own birth certificate. Lisbeth returned everything else to its place and snuck upstairs undetected. She hid her birth certificate in the back of her wardrobe and then slept soundly.
Chapter 24
Monday morning, Lisbeth lay in bed anticipating the events of the day. She imagined standing before the justice with Matthew at her side. She tried but could not picture his face. Panic started to rise, but she pressed it back down. This is the correct path! she insisted to herself.
Lisbeth did not want to raise her parents’ suspicions, but she wanted to look nice on her wedding day. While Emily waited, Lisbeth spent considerable time sorting through her gowns. In addition to wanting an attractive dress, she needed one that she could remove herself. She had no way of knowing if someone would be available to help her dress. Eventually she chose a Swiss dot with a light blue background and bright blue dots that buttoned down the front. It was not particularly tight in the bodice, so she could wear a corset that laced on the side. Emily looked surprised but did not comment when Lisbeth took the same care in choosing a hairstyle. She tried a tight bun, then an upsweep, before finally settling on a loose chignon. To finish the outfit, Lisbeth wanted to wear the shell necklace. Her trembling hands made it difficult to tie. Noticing Lisbeth’s struggles, Emily wordlessly completed the task. Lisbeth tucked the shell beneath her gown before rising from the vanity.
Lisbeth told Mother she was calling on Mary, but instead she guided her horse to Matthew’s home. He was waiting on the porch and nodded a greeting as soon as she saw him. A bemused smile crossed his face as he assisted her from the buggy.
“I am glad to see you,” Matthew said. “You look lovely.”
“Thank you,” Lisbeth replied, looking down.
“Are you certain you want to do this?” he asked, lowering his head so that he could see her face.
Lisbeth raised her head, nodded once, and confirmed, “Certainly.”
They drove to Charles City in Matthew’s carriage. Lisbeth longed for something interesting to say. In the past, it had been so easy to speak with Matthew, but today she could think of nothing appropriate. Harking back to Miss Taylor’s lessons, she brought up the weather.
“We are fortunate the weather is so mild today,” Lisbeth said.
“Yes,” agreed Matthew, “it is mild.”
Reaching to keep the conversation going, Lisbeth asked, “Is the weather similar in Ohio?”
“I understand the summers may be warmer and the winters cooler.”
Lisbeth nodded, but could not think of anything more to keep the conversation going.
“I had been planning to move in early May so I can oversee the planting. Is that suitable to you?”
“Yes, Matthew. Anytime will be fine.”
“You will have to decide how you want to set up your kitchen,” Matthew said. “It can be however you wish.”
“Oh, dear. I am afraid I have no experience in a kitchen. I cannot cook at all,” Lisbeth voiced with anxiety. “But,” she conceded, “I imagine I can learn, if necessary.”
“I did not mean to concern you,” Matthew rushed to say. “We can have a cook, of course. I only meant that you can plan it however you like.”
“Well, thank you, Matthew,” Lisbeth said, relieved. “Yes, I think a cook would be wise.”
As they traveled the road toward the life-changing ceremony, they cautiously made plans for their future together. In Charles City everything happened very quickly. Lisbeth had been afraid that the justice would refuse them a marriage license, but there was no problem once she showed her birth certificate proving she was of age. The ceremony was simple and over in less than ten minutes. Pausing before his buggy after it was all over, Matthew leaned in to kiss Lisbeth. She turned her head to give him her cheek, but then realized, too late, she should offer her lips to her husband. She turned her head once again, and his lips landed at the edge of her mouth.
“Excuse me,” he stuttered.
Lisbeth blushed. Embarrassed, they did not speak during the long, awkward ride back.
Alone again, Lisbeth drove away from Matthew’s home, though she supposed it was her temporary home now too. Matthew offered to accompany her, but she wished to face Edward and then her parents by herself. She had been practicing her speech for two days. She had asked Matthew to come for her at Fair Oaks at suppertime. He would either join the family for supper or she would leave with her husband before they ate. That would be up to her parents.
At White Pines, Lisbeth breathed deeply to settle her nerves. She left the buggy with the livery boy, a large, middle-aged man. Though he had always been waiting in front of White Pines the many times she had visited, she looked at him and wondered about his life for the first time.
“Thank you, Francis,” Lisbeth said, hoping she remembered his name correctly. “Good afternoon.”
Surprise registered on his face. “Good day to you, miss. It is an especially lovely day.”
“Yes, it is,” she confirmed. “An especially lovely day. I shall not be long, so you need not unhitch Shadow from the buggy.”
“Yes, miss. Thank you, miss.”
Ma’am, Lisbeth thought to herself. I am now a ma’am. But she did not correct him.
Lisbeth was shown into the elegant parlor. She stood by the davenport waiting for Edward. He looked relieved when he saw her.
“Elizabeth, I am so delighted at this unexpected visit. You look wonderful. I see you are fully recovered from your ‘flu’,” Edward fawned, with only a slight hint of irony in his voice.
Lisbeth did not reply or move toward him.
Crossing to her, Edward asked, “Did you receive the necklace I sent? Mother assisted me in selecting it. She wanted it to be simple and to your taste.”
Edward glanced at Lisbeth’s neck, “Oh, you are not wearing it. You have that old thing on. You must be feeling sentimental today. Shall I call Mother and Emma to join us for a morning tea?”
Edward reached for her, prepared to kiss Lisbeth’s cheeks. Twisting away from him, she sat down upon the divan. He sat close, reaching for her hand. Clasping her hands tightly together, she moved away from him and looked him in the eye.
“Edward, I have come to speak with you and you alone. This is not easy for me.” She paused and then went on, “But…I came to inform you that I am not going to marry you. I have prayed for guidance every day since the incident, and I know now I cannot possibly be your wife.”
“Elizabeth, have you gone mad?!” Edward exclaimed, indignation filling his voice. “If this is about the episode under the willow, I can assure you it will not happen again. Once we are married, you will be the only woman with whom I shall lay. Surely I can hold off until our wedding night. You need not worry about it again.” He reached over and gently stroked the back of her left hand with one finger. Disgusted, she pulled her hand away.
“Edward, I have come to realize that this is not about you and me. It is about the little girl who was lying on the ground beneath you. At night when I close my e
“Now I know you are mad!” Edward screeched with contempt. “You have nothing! You are not a woman of independent means. Your parents will have none of this. You are being childish over one small matter. Do you expect me to beg? To grovel? What are you hoping to accomplish by making such a threat? This is no way to begin a marriage! I am to be your husband. I will not grovel before my future wife. That is enough. I do not want to hear any more about it. It is over.”
“It is over,” Lisbeth agreed, intentionally keeping her voice calm, “because I have made a decision. This is not a threat, Edward. I will not be marrying you.”
“How can you ruin both of our lives?” Edward yelled.
“I am not ruining my life. I am saving it. As for you, I have grown fond of you this past year…”
“FOND?” Edward snorted in disbelief. “That is little consolation to me. You are being outrageous.”
“Please say goodbye to your mother and sister for me,” she said with a composure that belied the frantic beating of her heart. She rose and handed him a red velvet pouch filled with the gifts he had given her.
She quickly crossed to the door to escape. Several house servants were standing in the foyer. They watched as Edward followed close behind Lisbeth, his hot breath on her neck, screaming, “When you change your mind, do not bother to return to me! You are ruined!”
She reached for the door knob and gave it a firm turn. Her moist hand slipped. Cowering away from Edward, she wiped her hand and then turned the knob successfully.
Once she was out of the house, crossing the front porch, she heard the door slam hard followed by the sound of breaking glass. A sharp shard bounced off the porch floor and struck her ankle, cutting a thin line on her skin. She cried out but did not turn around. She did not want to see the scene behind her.